Wednesday, September 5, 2007
n my book, "Show and Tell" I describe how I went from a fairly pitiful victim to a woman who took control of her destiny and life. I did not want to be one of those people described by Thoreau as leading lives of quiet desperation. The initial transformation took years and was and is at times a very painful journey. The most amazing aspect of this transformation occurred in my head. As my attitude and thinking changed my outlook became more proactive and productive. Here are some points that helped me come to be a survivor rather than a victim.
1. Take responsibility for your self. Stop blaming others and making excuses. Take ownership for each aspect of your being, your actions, beliefs, situation, etc. The self-talk needs to become filled with ownership statements and then positive statements about how "I" am going to take any necessary action to a given situation. You must come from a place of admitting you are part of the problem and therefore are indeed the main ingredient for the solution.
2. Write down goals a game plan and keep it handy. The plan should again include "I" statements about what you will do to make each step happen in order to reach the intended goal. Keep the initial goals simple and attainable and do not give yourself an out. There is no glory in failure-"At least I tried" is a declaration of failure-keep working, struggling until you have reached success-there is nothing so powerful as that!
3. Along with a written goal get in mind what the end result will look like. Just as a dieting person puts a skinny picture of themselves on the fridge or at least in their mind, do the same with your goals. If it is for financial issues ask yourself what life will "look" like when you have reached that goal. Get creative and draw it or cut out pictures from a magazine, take a photograph etc. Keep that handy like at the bathroom mirror where you will look at it at least once a day as well.
4. Tell a friend-a good friend. I have often shied away from support but have been so much stronger when I have it. A close friend that you feel safe with can make an enormous difference in the outcome. When you disclose your own vulnerability you are forced to admit to having it, take ownership and ultimately take action. Here again, you have to be able to accept responsibility for your actions when that friend confronts you or pushes you toward honesty and action.
5. When life hands you that proverbial pile of manure disguised as a child having trouble, a vehicle breakdown, bills, injuries, or great loss - grieve and then get busy. Make an action plan and stay pro-active. Keep moving one foot in front of the other and get through it. Keep in mind that none of us are islands and there are still those who love, need and/or depend on you.
6. Never let go of the fact that you are an amazing individual-unique. Decide how you are going to make it matter that you exist. Remember that anyone can spend their existence using up resources. Anyone can eat drink, make waste and take up space. Decide how you intend to make it worthwhile to take up this space. How will you leave something better after you are no longer here? Remember the "Ripple Effect". What you do will resound long after you go.
About The Author:
Learn how Karen Vanderlaan overcame childhood abuse to become a successful author, educator, and child-advocate. Visit her site at http://www.karenvanderlaan.com
Approaching Women: The Simple Event That Changed My Life
Copyright 2006 X & Y Communications
It was a perfectly normal Saturday afternoon. I was going to visit my girlfriend later in the day, but until then it was time to run the usual slate of typical, mundane errands.
Even though I was in a relationship at the time, I had learned from my research on men and women that 'style' was important—so I had some nice jeans and a button down shirt on. My belt and my shoes matched, and I was in "Successful Guy Saturday Casual" mode.
After a quick trip to the post office and a stop at the bicycle shop, it was time to go to Target. I needed several things, so I got a cart.
I had checked off toothpaste, light bulbs and a couple items from the automotive department when I happened to see someone I knew at the end of the aisle. I had only met her once, but she was a friend of my girlfriend's. So I knew I had better say "hello". After all, "making nice" with the girlfriend's friends is always a plus.
She didn't appear to notice who I was, so as I reached where she was I tapped her shoulder with the back of my hand and said (simply), "Hey!". She turned and responded back with a reciprocal "Hey!", with a warm smile and that classic "eyebrow flash" that the body-language books talk about.
"So it looks like even superheroes like you and I still have to shop for normal, everyday stuff at the Target, right?", I said, noticing a few stray items in her shopping cart.
"I suppose!", she acknowledged with a laugh.
I continued with very typical small talk after that. As the conversation continued, I started feeling something strange…if not downright creepy.
My girlfriend's friend, if my mind wasn't playing tricks on me, was starting to behave in a manner that I would ALMOST call…FLIRTATIOUS.
I was caught off guard. After all, if what I was seeing was really happening, it was COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE. After all, not only was I dating this woman's friend…this woman was MARRIED!
So I maintained that 18" distance that social mores dictate is proper, while continuing with perfectly normal conversation. But soon, there was no denying the body language. She was clearly enjoying the interaction, and eventually made a comment or two that were unmistakably forward.
At this point I was going OUT OF MY WAY to not appear romantically interested in return. Yet, I couldn't help the thoughts that were racing in my mind. This woman was CLEARLY ATTRACTED to me. On top of the impropriety of it all, I was struck by the IMPROBABILITY of it all. This woman was 15 years my junior and at least FIVE INCHES TALLER than me!
Now, let me level-set here. My girlfriend at the time was a beautiful woman, and her friend was likewise very attractive. So here we had a situation where a woman who was NOT MY TYPE AT ALL, and indeed not one of the ones I would immediately picture going after a guy like me, was UNQUESTIONABLY INTERESTED.
At that point I realized that this conversation needed to end…and SOON, for obvious reasons. To that effect I said, "Well, time to get back to shopping. But I'll tell [my girlfriend's name] you said 'hello'."
There was a slight pause. Then a quizzical look from the woman.
"Uh…who's [my girlfriend's name]?", she wondered. I looked back with an equally querulous expression. "…Aren't you Jennifer?"
"Um…nooooooo…my name is Felicia."
With my mind racing in several different directions, I happened to look down and noticed there was no ring on her left hand.
I spontaneously laughed, and explained to her what had just happened. The woman really was a dead ringer for who I thought she was.
She responded with warm eyes and a feminine giggle. "So that's…IT...?", she said with one raised eyebrow and a motion of the hand to indicate continuation. I politely ended the conversation there anyway, of course, because I had a girlfriend, and returned to shopping.
But I was changed forever.
Why?
I had read time and again about how something like 90% of men have some fear of approaching women. Furthermore, I had read about how the single most important factor in GETTING OVER that fear is to simply GO OUT AND MEET WOMEN. The problem is that most of the time we as guys can't get out of our own way when doing so…assuming we get up the guts to even try.
So, in one brief exercise—and by TOTAL ACCIDENT—I had unequivocally proven what it takes to successfully meet women. Ironically, the "success" was OVERWHELMINGLY due to the fact that I wasn't trying to "pick this woman up".
So what's going on there?
Let's outline the key principles and components of that experience at the Target:
1) I had started the day making sure I looked my best. I was READY for an interaction with a woman…if not the woman at the Target.
2) I had NO HIDDEN AGENDA with this woman from a sexual perspective. There was nothing about my approach that caused her to put her guard up. I was just making normal conversation. As such, there was a comfortable atmosphere surrounding the whole thing.
3) Based on the fact that I believed I already knew this woman, I was 100% CONFIDENT that I wouldn't be flatly rejected when I spoke to her. Think about it. If you behave as if you are sure that talking to someone will be met with a positive response, you will not be nervous or sketchy about it at all.
4) My "opener" with her was a simple "Hey!" with a light, backhanded whack on the shoulder. No fancy, contrived "lines".
5) This was not a bar or some other special "pick up joint". This was the TARGET!
Bear in mind that this woman, although very beautiful, was not at all the type of woman I would ever see myself approaching or see myself with. And consider that it took virtually no direct effort to impress her. What appeared to "impress her" was the sincerity and confidence portrayed in simply wanting to talk to her.
THAT'S IT.
There is no doubt that this woman perceived my approach as being related to her being a woman and me being a man. Although I was not even close to who the "media" would match her up with, the combination of facility, confidence and a low-pressure approach WORKED WONDERS. Ladies, that kind of attitude is what you look forward to when it comes to men approaching you, is it not? Don't shout me down for telling the truth!
After that day, I made sure that my "accidental discovery" became firmly embedded into my conscience. After that, talking to any woman I want—anywhere—has been all about considering her someone I already know, and affording her the simple respect that goes along with it. No woman has ever been a "stranger", ever since.
Guys: If you have any trepidation at all when it comes to meeting a woman you find attractive, learn from this lesson and I assure you your life will be radically transformed. You have the ability to meet any woman you choose to. Make it so.
Ladies: Here's to more guys learning what I learned that day. I know you all are patiently waiting…
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Want to hear more? Scot McKay is a dating coach in San Antonio, TX and founder of X & Y Communications, a one-stop-shop for dating resources. He is the author of the new book "Deserve What You Want", and hosts the popular podcast series "X & Y On The Fly". He may be reached at scot@xandycommunications.net or on the Web at http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/ .
No Respect in the Waiting Room
No Respect in the Waiting RoomBy David Leonhardt"Hello. I'm here for my appointment with the dermatologist.""Please be seated. I'll call you when Dr. Kristoph is ready.""Well, I am five minutes early, so I guess I'll wait."Fifteen minutes later..."Excuse me. I had an appointment with Dr. Kristoph ten minutesago. Is everything alright?"Oh yes, very much. Please have a seat.""OK, I'll just go scratch my itchy spot in the corner over there.Fifteen minutes later..."Sorry to bother you again, but I had an appointment at 2:00 withDr. Kristoph. That was 25 minutes ago and I am still itching ...I mean, waiting. Is everything alright? Did he have to rushsomeone to the hospital for an emergency pimple-popping?""Not at all. The doctor is a very busy man. He is seeing his1:30 appointment right now. You are next after Mrs.Weatherall...""Oh good. Because this itching is really getting to be...""...who is next after Mr. Barclay, who is right after Mrs.Cartright, after Madam Bisbee after little Michael over there.The doctor will see you soon after them if he has a moment.""Oh, he'll see me all right. With all this scratching, I'll beas bright red as a neon sign in a deep, dark forest."Fifteen minutes later..."Pardon me. I don't mean to be impolite, but I had anappointment with Dr. Kristoff 40 minutes ago. If there was noemergency, why was I booked at 2:00 instead of 2:40?""Dr. Kristoff likes to keep his waiting room full. It's good forbusiness, you know.""How is a glowing red itchy person good for business? Are youplanning to prop me up outside your window to advertise youroutstanding patient care?""Please have a seat."Fifteen minutes later..."OK, it has now been an hour, and there are still patients aheadof me. I made an appointment to meet Dr. Kristoff, not decoratehis waiting room in post-modern-human-agony-experimentalism. Mytime is valuable, you know.""I'm sure it is. But the doctor always books people early in casethey arrive a little late. Or in case they are not sick enough.Or in case...""They die in the waiting room?""...they just don't show up. The doctor is a very busy man whobills by the hour, you know. He really can't afford toaccidentally have a hole in his schedule.""Not that it's any of my business, but he doesn't get many seconddates, does he?""Fifteen minutes later..."Hello. I'm here from the tax department. Did you know it's afederal offence to keep a tax officer waiting?"Are you really from the tax department?""No, but would I get to see the doctor if I was?""I didn't think you were from the tax department. You look justlike that pesky little man with the glowing red skin who seems tothink his time is as valuable as his doctor's.""Yeah, I guess that's me."Fifteen minutes later..."Hey you. You with the glow-in-the-dark skin. The doctor willsee you now.""Please, I am way to busy to bend my schedule on his account. Iam writing up a bill for him.""A bill?""For my consulting fees. Let me read it to you. 'Arrived onschedule at the time your staff arranged for your convenience.Was requested by your staff to remain in your waiting room forone-and-a-half-hours. At my hourly consulting rate of $500, thatcomes to $750, please.' I take cash.""You can't bill a doctor. Just who do you think you are?""A plumber. And I don't keep my clients waiting."RESOURCE BOX FOR PLAIN TEXT NEWSLETTERSThe author is David Leonhardt, The Happy Guy. To receive hiscolumn weekly in your inbox, sign up athttp://TheHappyGuy.com/positive-thinking-free-ezine.html or readmore columns at http://TheHappyGuy.com/self-actualization-articles.html . Visit his home page at http://TheHappyGuy.com .RESOURCE BOX FOR WEBSITES AND HTML NEWSLETTERSThe author is David Leonhardt, The Happy Guy. Read more columnslike this in his weekly Happy Guy column or read more personal growtharticles. Visit his website: Finding Happiness and Self-actualization.RESOURCE BOX FOR PRINT PUBLICATIONSThe author is David Leonhardt, The Happy Guy, publisher of YourDaily Dose of Happiness and The Happy Guy syndicated column.Visit his web site at www.TheHappyGuy.com.+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++David LeonhardtThe Happy GuyInfo@...
